i am not so bad at basketball

i am not so bad at basketball 

i am not so good either 

maybe that's what draws me so strongly to the game these last few days 

there is a public middle school near my buddy's house 

with an outdoor court, 

that at night 

i can always make it to 

for an hour or so before the sun sets,

that 

time of night when the beauty of day 

meets the beauty of night

like love at first sight

i shoot

i dribble

i drive down the lane 

and attempt to roll the basketball

gently from my finger tips into the basket,

sometimes i relive the former games i've played

sometimes i dream about the ones i wish i had,

and sometimes I think about nothing but the life before me 

and the life behind

all my rights, 

and all my wrongs,

like wins and losses

and i wonder how i'll ever make the playoffs.

then i shoot some more.

i am 27 years old, 

but it still feels incredible 

when you hit 

nothing but net, 

and the sound of the chains ring out for an audience of school busses. 

maybe that's what draws me so strongly to the game these last few days

I have never been so good at basketball, 

yet i was never so bad either 

maybe that's why coaches kept me around 

i was

about the only player in the history of the game who could

ride the bench with such esteem

to still leave the gym with the homecoming queen

but sincerely, 

i hustled, 

made practice competitive, 

and could perform well enough in warm-ups to make the opposing coach think we had the reserve squad of the 96 Chicago Bulls. 

warm-ups were my fourth quarter, 

and to this day, 

no high school junior has ever made so much of glossy blue and gold tear aways. 

in my defense, 

i did earn a starting spot by my senior year

for at least a game or two

or three, 

and on one of those 

i scored my varsity career high of 11 points in front of a home crowd

but i'll say this, 

any love of mine 

for basketball

and anything else for that matter 

is not paved in my successes, 

my love 

for basketball

for life 

and the women I keep in the deepest depths of my hopeful

is paved in the field between the outdoor courts and my buddy's house

the daily afterwork trek, 

and each of my attempts to make the chains ring out 

for a sold out crowd of the rising moon and last rays of sunlight 

i am not so bad at basketball

i am not so good either

maybe that's what draws me so strongly to the game these last few days