two twenty one fifteen

there is something admirable

about - 

wearing just the right amount of clothes 

when the weather is cold

it is a balance,

a tipping point 

where 

one can acknowledge their humanness 

yet communicate confidence 

of having dressed accordingly  

yet not superfluously 

it is an art form in my opinion 

because 

i think we all can agree 

that 

there is nothing worse 

than being cold, 

so the tendency would be 

to 

‘better safe than sorry’

yet 

how arresting is she

who is warm enough

without too many coats!

if i had one wish tonight 

it would be for

contentment 

without excess

only and more beautifully

i don't suppose 

that eternity (or the life after this)

looks and feels anything like we could imagine it to

still 

i want this life

to look and feel most like preparing myself for each of the endless possibilities 

i drink coffee every morning 

first, because i like it 

and second, because it permits me the daily opportunity 

to start out on the note of having gotten something right 

i like to think there will be coffee in eternity 

but if there isn't 

i like to imagine each day, 

(or whatever it is that marks the beginning of everything there),  

will be a constant state of getting something right. 

i love a woman

first, because she is lovely

and second, because she makes me believe that each and every day

really can be as colorful as everything we ever dreamed of;

and yet our love,  

is the slow release 

of all belief 

that blue skies 

are what we even wanted in the first place  

she said

"i want love

to be first place,  

and at that 

to be deeper than the weather forecast; 

because, 

i have seen enough grey skies 

to know that the only thing that matters is the hand in mine;

and the someone beside 

to remind us that we

are stronger than all this;

i need you to be stronger than all this." 

so i say love

is not an acquired taste 

or some learned trait, 

but rather the 

permitting of she

to enter deep enough 

to draw out the eternity in me 

i never knew was hiding inside to begin with, 

so that i, 

can be stronger than all this. 

i once thought love

existed to make life better;

i soon learned that love 

is more simply 

a retelling of life's universal struggles, 

only

and more beautifully, 

with someone alongside encouraging you to keep struggling

i like to imagine that she'll be mine in eternity, 

because i'm certain that love will always be

more simply

a retelling of life's eternal struggles

only, 

and more beautifully 

with someone to bring an end to the struggling 

i don't suppose 

that eternity (or the life after this)

looks and feels anything like we could imagine it to

still 

i want today

to look and feel most like preparing ourselves 

only, 

and more and more beautifully, 

for the love we're certain of. 

i am not so bad at basketball

i am not so bad at basketball 

i am not so good either 

maybe that's what draws me so strongly to the game these last few days 

there is a public middle school near my buddy's house 

with an outdoor court, 

that at night 

i can always make it to 

for an hour or so before the sun sets,

that 

time of night when the beauty of day 

meets the beauty of night

like love at first sight

i shoot

i dribble

i drive down the lane 

and attempt to roll the basketball

gently from my finger tips into the basket,

sometimes i relive the former games i've played

sometimes i dream about the ones i wish i had,

and sometimes I think about nothing but the life before me 

and the life behind

all my rights, 

and all my wrongs,

like wins and losses

and i wonder how i'll ever make the playoffs.

then i shoot some more.

i am 27 years old, 

but it still feels incredible 

when you hit 

nothing but net, 

and the sound of the chains ring out for an audience of school busses. 

maybe that's what draws me so strongly to the game these last few days

I have never been so good at basketball, 

yet i was never so bad either 

maybe that's why coaches kept me around 

i was

about the only player in the history of the game who could

ride the bench with such esteem

to still leave the gym with the homecoming queen

but sincerely, 

i hustled, 

made practice competitive, 

and could perform well enough in warm-ups to make the opposing coach think we had the reserve squad of the 96 Chicago Bulls. 

warm-ups were my fourth quarter, 

and to this day, 

no high school junior has ever made so much of glossy blue and gold tear aways. 

in my defense, 

i did earn a starting spot by my senior year

for at least a game or two

or three, 

and on one of those 

i scored my varsity career high of 11 points in front of a home crowd

but i'll say this, 

any love of mine 

for basketball

and anything else for that matter 

is not paved in my successes, 

my love 

for basketball

for life 

and the women I keep in the deepest depths of my hopeful

is paved in the field between the outdoor courts and my buddy's house

the daily afterwork trek, 

and each of my attempts to make the chains ring out 

for a sold out crowd of the rising moon and last rays of sunlight 

i am not so bad at basketball

i am not so good either

maybe that's what draws me so strongly to the game these last few days 

we are two and we are one

we are different she and i
opposites they say
we are cut from different cloth
we are darkness
we are day
we are night
and we are sun
we are more contrast
than the same
we are sea
and we are shore
we are two
and we are one

and that is what we are
we are she
and we are i
we are more than meets the eye
its funny
isn't it
how two so different
could dance so well together
did you see the sunset?
i never thought it'd end
nor did i want it to
still that is what we are
i am me
and you are you

and never has
who we've been
and what we are
mattered so little
to who and what we are becoming
our disagreements are never-ending
so she said we have
that much more making up for the making
love is never fifty fifty
never heads or tails
never winning versus losing
so i said we are failing beautifully
this pursuit of the impossible

i was all a big picture to share
she had all day and night to spare
she said tell me your dream and i'll think it
i said give me your cup and i'll drink it

i was all a big picture to share
she had all day and night to spare
i said tell me your burdens and i'll share them
she said give me your wrongs and i'll wear them

love was never fifty fifty
never heads or tails
never winning versus losing
so we are failing beautifully
the pursuit of the impossible

we are different she and i
we are opposites they say
we are morning
we are night
we are gravity and flight
and that is what we are
we are she
and we are i
we are more than meets the eye
its funny
isn't it
how the beauty of flying up there
is in the viewing of all that is down here

a warmth even god smiles to feel

this all started as a poem 
about saying goodbye to a woman i love. 
this all ended as a supposition of sorts 
on a few things i believe about god. 
and it shouldn't come as a surprise, 
after all 
wherever love is unfolding
god is watching nearby, 
and i've come to imagine him 
dressed like my grandpa 
seated in the corner booth, 
stirring honey into his coffee 
and writing poetry onto the diner napkins; 
all with the biggest smile on his face 
a smile only god smiles -  
(and my grandpa of course).

if i've learned anything over the passed year 
it's how to see god everywhere; 
in south florida sub development blacktop when you tell her you love her for the first time 
to the escalators of a north los angeles red line station when you realize how much you still do 

this passed sunday was no different
alysse had been visiting el salvador for a few days 
and it were those few minutes before you know you have to make the drive to the airport. 
i said we should book it out a few minutes early, 
i was thinking of a spot off the highway, where we could watch the sunset and practice our see you laters on the city, before saying so to one another 
(the calm before the storm she called it).  
we pulled the car over, and made our way to the overlook railing, 
letting our eyes widen with the stretches of the city, 
decorated in the blue lights of first summer. 
i spread my arms as far as i could reach them, 
soaking in all that beautiful sundown, 
i then wrapped them around her as tightly as i could, 
to lock in a warmth you only find south of the U.S. border.
to lock in a warmth even god smiles to feel, 
as he watches from his booth atop the san salvador volcano.  

i think a lot of folks are afraid to let themselves consider god as something other than grand, 
as if we could in any way sell him short. 
i think god's biggest fear is that we'd never open our eyes wide enough to let him show us what getting small really looks like. 
i believe god is the sustainer of the universe, 
and i believe god is the gentle breeze and last rays of sunshine, 
sweeping through the city skyline. 
the beauty of god is that he is grand enough to be in awe of, 
and subtle enough to leave his art with an invisible signature.   
god is gentle enough to let us feel him, 
and we, she and i  
made our way back to the truck, 
and down the road to the airport 
with smiles on our faces 
and heavy hearts;
the smile in the knowing we'd felt god nearby,
the heaviness in the knowing we'd have to find him without the other next to us, 
at least for a short while anyway. 

so, 
beneath the fingernail moon 
i dripped the contents of my eyeballs 
onto the cracks between our interlocked fingers 
making you swear 
never to forget how absolutely wonderful you are 
and, 
beneath the blinking destinations 
on the airport departure screen 
you pressed the warmth of your exhale 
into the neckline of my sweater 
and told me i 
was one of the greatest things to ever come into your life, 
i - 
i - 
i - 
have never made god smile 
like i did with those goodbye tears 
after all, 
wherever love is unfolding
god is watching nearby.